This is what addiction looks like behind closed doors. Addiction does not have a “good side,” only a horrific one. This is not easy to share, but someone needs to know what I’m about to reveal.
Bradley was always “Brad” to me, right up until the month he passed away. I always called him “Brad.” A few short weeks before he passed, he declared he wanted to live out a NEW identity… “Brad” was the addict, the convict, the guy he had always struggled NOT to be… so he asked those closest to him to begin referring to him as the NEW creation had been since he accepted Christ as Savior in January, but had yet to BE consistently: he wanted to be…… “Bradley.”
It was the closest to a Saul to Paul conversion he could mimic, I believe. He wanted that. So “Bradley” he became in my verbiage. We referred to the ADDICT (who only loved or protected substances and would take over) as “BRAD,” and the PERSON (who loved me and Ava and wanted to protect his relationship with us and God, who wanted recovery,) BRADLEY.
Bradley = Beloved
Brad = Addicted/Sick
Got it?
Ava and I fell in love with Bradley, the person. I fought tooth and nail to protect Bradley. I prayed for Bradley. I stood in the gap for Bradley. I was motivated to change inside and out, for the better, for Bradley. Ava and I loved getting calls from Bradley. I loved reading letters from Bradley. Ava loved running into the arms of Bradley. I coveted a priceless vision of a simple future with the man I yearned for… Bradley.
Brad the addict, who would take over, if Bradley stopped making recovery choices each day, was a FAR different story.
I hated the demon “Brad.” I fought tooth and nail AGAINST “Brad.” I prayed AGAINST “Brad.” I stood in the gap pleading for deliverance for my husband FROM “Brad.” I was motivated to grow and change so I could begin to detect, outsmart, and spiritually drop-kick “Brad.” Ava and I were terrified of violent, unpredictable, unreliable “Brad.” We traumatically hated knowing “Brad” was back, talking to, or interacting with “Brad.” Ava was scared to be alone with “Brad.” I coveted a priceless vision of the life our family wanted, in a future WITHOUT… the addiction demon, “Brad.”
The man I was married to had two different identities… looking back, he was about 20% Bradley and 80% “Brad”… I view it similarly to cancer patients- some have more cancer in their organs than others, some beat cancer, some don’t. Levels of how prominent cancer is in their system is similar to a varying level of addiction defect in some addict’s brains, I believe. Some brains are more eaten up with addictive grooves than others. Unresolved trauma can play in, genetics, and life stressors.
The 20% Bradley that I had married was worth the 80% of hell that “Brad” brought with him… but I had to learn to fight fire with something other than fire. And I did get burned many times in the process.
Our marriage was ON again, OFF again… because I wasn’t willing to be in relationship with “BRAD!” We broke up countless times and had countless struggles surrounding Bradley’s relapse back into “BRAD” (who I hated and couldn’t wait to see leave again!) and occasionally my own personal ugliness.
“Brad” and I abused and hurt each other. ”Brad” lied, manipulated, threatened, intimidated, and didn’t care if I was dead or alive if I tried to come between him & drugs. “Brad” and I had a child protective services case opened on us when Ava’s well-being was rightly questioned. “Brad” and I fought like cats and dogs. ”Brad” tried to kill my husband, everyday. “Brad” and I knew the other and could spot each other coming from a mile away… a clash of darkness and light who refused to tolerate one another. “Brad” and I couldn’t find ways to get rid of each other quickly enough. “Brad” and I broke up constantly once I realized he was back. “Brad” and I were always on the rocks, because I hated this demon that held the man I loved a silent hostage.
This is why PRAYING FOR DELIVERANCE for your loved one battling the addiction demon is absolutely IMPERATIVE! Being married to an addict was far from easy. It was being “one” with a person who had TWO identities… one you loved, one you hated. It was being married to a person who would morph demonically into the worst person you could imagine at times… one only controlled by an inanimate object... a zombie to substances. Sold out to the lies the devil offered him.
It was tragic. It was a calling on my life. It was my rock bottom. It changed me.
It’s a mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual battle for the addict’s LIFE once they fall back down the rabbit hole into addiction hell. It’s a family sickness. Everyone is in agony. It’s ripping our communities apart BEHIND CLOSED DOORS. Prayer, compassion, recovery in each of ourselves, understanding, willingness to change, rock bottom, and spiritual awakening is KEY in surviving this insidious outbreak.
ARMOR UP!
BRADLEY, thank you for loving me and Ava so well for the 20%. Thank you for encouraging me to be thankful and pray always. Thank you for FINALLY accepting Christ as your Savior in January so I have the gift of knowing I’ll see you again one day!!!!! Thank you for all the memories that will never leave us… we love you forever.
BRAD/ ADDICTION DEMON, thank you for plunging me to my rock bottom. Thank you for teaching me to stay committed to a relationship and to fight for the one I loved with everything I had, despite the challenges… Thank you for being so tremendously hideous that it made the light of my beautiful husband held hostage shine so brightly, that even his silence couldn’t convince me he was gone… Thank you for teaching me that LOVE is worth fighting for… it is worth dying to ourselves for… it is worth the sacrifice you made me make, over and over! Thank you for sticking around long enough to cause a scene that drew others to watch and listen… Thank you for playing a huge part in the glory God has ALREADY begun to receive… I’m SO HAPPY you’re no longer TORMENTING my best friend, but I know you’re still ravaging many families at this very moment. So thank you for bringing my attention to a mental health, medical crisis, and spiritual bondage in this community that needs a SPOTLIGHT held to it… I’ll always be grateful for you. In fact, I am part of God’s army, and we’re coming after you.
What our enemy meant for evil… my God has already turned for good.
And the best is YET to come.
I don’t miss you, “Brad.” But I’ll see you again, beloved “Bradley.” Until then, I’ll still be fighting for you, and what you represented in my life, down here.
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